(Before we begin, I’d like to take a moment to add a disclaimer: I do not know the persons in the photos contained in this post, nor do I want to. Nor do I particularly care if their feelings are hurt by my criticism of their attires. Nor, finally, did I ask permission to use these photograph – certainly, no more than Facebook or Myspace ask permission to do what I did. The images were chosen on a purely arbitrary basis from a sizable pool of images, which came up via Google image search. Quite frankly, if you don’t want people looking at, or worse, critiquing your clothes, don’t put up pictures of them where they can be easily seen and critiqued. Having said that, let’s plow ahead.)
It’s May, spring is in the air, and, naturally, we all know what that means. That’s right: people dressing themselves like they’re about to be the central attraction at a Parisian circus sideshow.
Now, granted, I will be the first, and certainly far from the only, person to admit that my idea of “dressing myself” is just a shade less conservative than that of Tim Gunn or William F. Buckley. However, while there is a broad spectrum of fashion choices between fancy suits from designers with Italian-sounding names and the tried-yet-true boot-cut jeans, sports jackets, and collared shirts, there’s a reason most sensible people stick to those options: they are very, very difficult to fuck up. Unless you have a horribly misshapen body, or don’t know how to put on a pair of pants, chances are good you’re going to look good in something more stylistically conservative. At the very least, you will keep yourselves from looking like Faulknerian manbabies who followed an ill-advised decision to dress themselves after a prolonged bout of huffing cow manure and paint thinner.
The next point I want to make dovetails directly out of the idea of wardrobe conservatism. While I am fully aware that many individuals dress themselves for comfort every bit as much as they dress themselves to stand out, I sometimes question what passes as “attention grabbers” in the way some of us dress. Being the resident of a major metropolitan area, I get to see a lot of people dressing themselves as follows:
Let’s take a moment to dissect this fetid corpse of an outfit. For starters, many of you who read this blog may already be familiar with my stance on certain elements of dress style, and what does and does not constitute clothing. For those of you who are new, or are just plain illiterate, here they are:
1. Flip flops are not shoes.
2. Leggings are not pants.
3. Tank tops are not shirts.
It is only by force of sheer amazement do I need to comment that the above outfit has successfully broken all three of my fucking rules.
If only this was an isolated incident. The campus of the university I attend is positively lousy with people dressing themselves in a plethora of variations on the above theme. Yes, apparently we have somehow gone from the understated, demure, and yet unbelievably aesthetically appealing clothing of the 1940s, from the over-the-top chic threads of the 1960s, and from the flower-child Jim Morrison looks of the 1970s to this: throwing on shower shoes and undergarments, and pretending like they constitute a functional attire.
I call bullshit.
Let’s address the flip-flops first. My main problem with flip-flops stems from the fact that they are, in effect and in function, not shoes. They are, fundamentally, slippers one wears to nasty international hostel showers so as to not pick up whatever toe fungus that lurks in their washbasins, nothing more. They are not shoes because they are completely ineffective at providing the most basic function of a shoe: heel and ankle support, and protection of the foot. Even the most expensive flip-flops will not support your arch the way some of the shittiest flats from Payless Shoes will, and if you don’t believe me on the “foot protection” part, then do me a favor. Pack your flip-flops into a suitcase and fly down to Napoli, Paris, Frankfurt, or any major European city and see how you get on after a day or so of walking the cobblestone streets where stray dog turds are the least of your hygienical problems.
In the past, I’ve frequently been asked how I feel about designer flip-flops. After all, if price denotes quality, a $300 flip-flop from Salvatore Ferragamo should really be excused from the above blanket statement. I tend to answer that question by asking one of my own: “Before you, on a china plate, sits a piece of fancy, expensive cake or torte. As you poke your fork in it, you realize that it’s made of human feces. Would you eat it?” That is how I feel about designer flip-flops. You can’t polish a turd, and, following that maxim, no amount of over-designing and over-pricing a flip-flop will ever – ever – make it a real shoe.
Next, the leggings. While I have no problem with tight pants such as skinny jeans, or slim fit trousers, consider the following: both of those are actual pants. They are made of multiple pieces of cloth, have functional trimmings such as pockets, belt loops, zippers, and, occasionally, cuffs. Leggings, on the other hand, are the equivalent of a bodice or a corset, but for your lower body. Again, they serve no functional purpose apart from helping you shape your lower body. They have to be worn with something, or their intended function is completely misappropriated. Either wear pants, or don’t; but please, don’t wear not-pants.
Finally, tank tops as shirts. There’s really not a whole lot to say, apart from the fact that they, too, do not constitute anything more than undergarments (in fact, you may be noticing a developing pattern here). Most individuals who wear them argue that they’re really comfortable, and allow your skin to breathe. True, but allowing your skin some aeration will be the least of your concern when you experience a second-degree sunburn. Trust me, I have seen enough people both in the Southern part of the United States as well as abroad make this mistake, and pay for it with a blistery vengeance. Want a nice substitute? A short-sleeve white cotton shirt will perform the same exact function, affording you greater comfort while ensuring you don’t look like you just casually strolled in from the gym. And really, looking like you didn’t just come from the gym is what dressing yourself fashionably is ultimately all about.
Until next time, this is SRF signing off.
1. Bold Orange. Excuse me, but huh? Sure, I know leaves turn orange in the fall for about two weeks, but if the object of fashion is to stand out and not blend in with everything else, do you really expect individuals to buy a puffy orange coat just so they can play Rambo in Central Park for a period of ten to fourteen days? I somehow doubt it.
4. Snakeskin. I understand this is a craze right now, but seriously, time to give it a rest. I checked out on the snake-skin trend when I heard that some people actually apply that shit as nail polish. Seriously, enough is enough.
5. Mixed Prints. Because nothing says "fall" to me as much as walking around looking like an Andy Warhol print.
