Occasionally, when my wife convinces me to emerge from the dark, comforting cocoon I refer to as "the apartment we live in," we go into that great beyond called "Outside". Sometimes, when we go Outside, we actually even go places we don't normally go.
Like Brookline.
And boy, when we do, I am perpetually greeted with new and exciting things that make me vomit in my mouth a little bit. Sure enough, today was another one of those days. As we set foot on hostile Brookline soil, we were greeted with a veritable cavalcade of this shit:
Notice a pattern? Were all these chicks out for a ride at the local stables or something? Is that whythey are wearing tight pants and in some cases, knee-high boots? Oh, what's that, you say? There are no public stables in Brookline, or anywhere around the general Brookline area and/or vicinity? Well, then, fuck you.
Look, here's the deal. I'm willing to forgive some pretty egregious sins in fashion. Hell, I will occasionally tolerate a properly accessorized tech vest on a guy who knows how to pull it off. But I firmly stand by SRF Rule #1. For those who don't remember, it goes something like:
LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS.
Got it? Don't wear them as if they're trousers. No one wants to see your ass crack. No one is interested in how good your legs look without a skirt to cover up the derriere. You want to amaze me with the way you dress yourself? Put on a skirt or a pair of actual pants, and cut the "Tee-hee, I do dressage in the Berkshires!" bullshit. Granted, I understand the tendency: women in the 1960s also dressed similarly... except THEY ALL WORE SKIRTS WHEN THEY WORE THEIR TIGHTS.
Here's a suggestion: if you want to wear boots, wear them under high-waisted wide-leg pants. It'll make your legs look longer, thus achieving the very effect you've been failing at by exposing your crack to the wind. Don't like high-waisted pants? How about a high-waisted skirt that goes to medium thigh? Boom, same result! And, for fuck's sake, stop tucking your jeans into your boots unless you know how to do it right. They bunch up in very unpleasant ways around the boot top, and you look like a fucking dolt. We get it: you want to show off your $300 boots... well, don't show them off by exposing the part that matters (the actual boot, not the leg of the boot), and cover the rest of your shit up! Protip: when I look at a person's footwear, the part that strikes me the most is the part that actually goes on the foot. Far as I'm concerned, you can do whatever the fuck you want with your ankles and knees, provided it isn't "legwarmers".
Just... buy a pair of real fuckin' pants. And if you don't want to do that, do the rest of the world a favor: stay inside, and spare us the indignity of having to witness you wearing tights as trousers.
As you were. SRF out.
